(no subject)
Firefly - badass Zoe
sekhmet_heart
heh

i'm glad to be drunk

distracts from other stuffs. ugh. life is hard. all I want is friendship and laughter and kisses. :c

(no subject)
Firefly - badass Zoe
sekhmet_heart
shit

you know you have a problem when straight vodka is no stronger than water.

I'm... so lonely here. I don't want to be lonely like this ever again. This move is coming at a good time, for sure. I just. Ah. Should have moved out years ago. 

(no subject)
Firefly - badass Zoe
sekhmet_heart
I had a dream last night (among many vivid and weird dreams) that my dad said to me, "I'll give it a month of you living on your own before you come back here."

I... woke up SO angry and upset. Because I have had all of those doubts already and I'm still taking the chance. If there's one thing I know... is that I DO NOT EVER want to come back to living with dad. I love him so much, but I can't live with him and stay sane. I just cant.

I lie and sneak a TON more under his roof. It's not good. I feel like a monster. But he still treats me like a kid, and for some reason that makes me ACT like one. I'm so upset. 

(no subject)
Firefly - badass Zoe
sekhmet_heart
my hand is MUCH better. yay!

(no subject)
Firefly - badass Zoe
sekhmet_heart
-cough cough-

Anyway.

I betcha 100 bucks I'll be having nightmares about losing my hand.

Cat bite is all infected. I'm gonna be positively swimming in antibiotics for the next week. Might even have to go in for an IV antibiotic drip. Fun stuff. I actually was running a fever and didn't fucking know it cause I'm a genius. And the doc had to tell me the worst case scenario, of course. So I'm sitting there, weeping in the doctor's office, mentally preparing myself to learn to draw with my left hand, just in case.

There's... a lot of pain going on here, dude, that's all I'm saying. My hand is THROBBING and I'm scared. 

(no subject)
Firefly - badass Zoe
sekhmet_heart
My hair has been falling out in big ol chunks, damn. Happens every once in a while in times of big stress. Meh. If I didn't have more hair on my head than a yeti who bathes in rogaine, I'd be terrified of going bald.

I cleaned out my drain for the second time in a span of forty days, it looked like grudge lady what's her name Kayako was coming out of it. Fun.

Focusing on good things, though... good things... bath bomb was delicious last night, it was glittery and bluuuuue. Have some left over for another bath, cannot WAIT to use it again.

Um. Art stuff doing okay. I really need to swallow my fear and pride and make a patreon account. So that's... good. Right? xD

I looked through my sketchbook and found approximately 3 doodles of crush-man in there, uh oh. HEART STOP.  but also -stupid anime sigh-

Sister is coming to visit on Wednesday, yayyy!!! and her puppy!! I'm excited for that. AND art class on wednesday, I'm excited for that too. 

(no subject)
Firefly - badass Zoe
sekhmet_heart
fuck, okay, my poor sweet livejournal has seen its share of horrors from me, it's about dang time I write positive stuff here, because, it does happen. I'm just awful in that I reserve LJ for the bad stuff. Booo

GOOD STUFF GOOD STUFF:

  • I am in a MUCH more positive place than I was a year ago, two, especially three and four years ago. I've had a hard time seeing this change, some was gradual, some was instantaneous and painful, so it got a bit confusing in my mind, but in any case it made me a stronger person. aw yeah.


  • after EONS of suffering, I'm no longer doing things for anyone but me, consciously or not. I'm living for ME. school was one of these big things.


  • I'm moving in with my girl. I'm moving in with my girl. HOLY SHIT. Everyone loves to tell me about how complicated it'll be but SHUT UP and let me be excited for a bit and  deal with the bullshit when it comes.


  • thanks to tumblr, my life has gotten sgnificantly better. sounds lame but I don't care, I've met so many wonderful people from it, one of them being my girlfriend, so that's awesome. If you want a link to my personal tumblr so you can see all my shenanigans, here you go.


  • I am a much more confident person than I was. I'm not perfect, obviously, but I'm alright :P


  • I am working VERY hard on all my art stuff. I have my blogs, my facebook page, my youtube, and now a real shiny new website that should be up and running soon! I am hoping so so much that I can make this into a career. There's nothing I want more.


(no subject)
Firefly - badass Zoe
sekhmet_heart
Plans! For things! And along with big changes come big insecurities and fears... So, I'm moving in with Bobbi and her parents in March. oh boy. With the condition that I get some kind of income there in three months, which was obviously already a plan of mine. Talked to the therapist about it, she totally kicked my ass (in a good way) with problems I have and things I need to work on and such. Gotta start fixing up my resume and start applying places in Fresno, plus she told me I should take a smaller step while I'm still here and volunteer somewhere. (which was annoying because that's what my dad tells me to do all the goddamn time, but they're both right and blah)

and then the tremendous, debilitating fear I have of never being able to have a normal entry level type job... and therefore always having to rely on others financially and be a huge burden and argh. The important thing is (I tell myself) that I'm trying again. I have a new goal to work towards. Maybe circumstances will be different this time. It's just... every job, volunteering and not, has driven me to near-constant panic attacks and anxiety and self-loathing.

So many run on sentences. I'm just so full of thoughts and stuff.

Here's to hoping I win the lottery and can comfortably continue working as an artist without fear of starving and being homeless or relying on my girlfriend forever.

Still, gotta keep on keeping on. Good things are happening and I have to have some perspective. I could have been stuck here for another year, no sir.

(no subject)
Firefly - badass Zoe
sekhmet_heart
It's so hard coming out of a deep deep depression. This January has felt like an eon, and I sunk so low that I didn't know if I was gonna stay there forever or what. And the recovery process is long, obviously... I just have to be gentle with myself.

Still eating very little, it's hard to do otherwise. Been having nightmares still. Both of those things make me incredibly tired during the day so I often get scared that I'll fall back down the hole I've been struggling to climb out of.

Taking time off is helping too, but no income in January has made me anxious. Bah, life, why are you so hard.

At least I have my sense of humor back. Being self-deprecating has been helping me have a laugh. I'm trying to be easy on myself, and any relapses I have to old toxic behaviors are met with compassion on my part... at least I try.

And another thing I've been feeling more and more these days is a shift... a shift in myself, a shift in where life might take me. Good or bad, I'm so ready for it. So ready. 

(no subject)
Firefly - badass Zoe
sekhmet_heart
therapy yesterday was good but exhausting. we touched on a few things about myself that make me uncomfortable, things I hate about myself. Obviously it was a good uncomfortable, the kind I will benefit from bringing to light.

HUGE on the list of homework things is starting to DO things instead of just talk about them. Seems simple enough right? But it's not. Because of my massive anxiety (or maybe just because it's the kind of person I am) I seek out comfort and put off change a lot. It's bad for me. This may have worked when I was young and absolutely breakeable, but now I'm an adult, I know how strong I can be, I have seen and lived it... it's just extremely hard for me to motivate myself for some reason.

So. Baby steps this week. Taking time off from my freelancing. I have to start making some healthy day to day changes. More time spent out in my backyard or in the park, going on walks, stretching, yoga, and reading. Traveling to see my sister, or Bobbi, is also high on the list.

Since moving is still a pretty massive goal I hope to achieve this year, I'll be doing small things to prepare for that. For now, I at least have a semi-decent backup plan in case the plan to get my own place with Bobbi immediately after moving doesn't work. So... there's that. Now I just need a solid and reasonable plan to work my way up to that.

I want to talk to Bobbi about this but I always seem to tense up about it in fear of her maybe telling me that it's an unreasonable plan. And I know this fear comes from my dad. Goddamn I hate having "daddy issues"

Plus side to stuff and things, I've been feeling better yesterday and today, spending even a ittle time outdoors does wonders. And writing here regularly again has been a godsend. 

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